Great news on a gray day

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Great news on a gray day

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Even when I haven’t been through the ringer, I have a tough time getting going when it’s overcast. I’d like a little sun on my face or even just a glimpse of blue sky to get that Brand New Day feeling. Sullen gray skies make for sullen gray insides. I’ve been feeling a little blue, markedly so this morning, then steeled myself to go see the surgical oncologist to go over the pathology. I already knew going in that she was unable to find the sentinel node during surgery, which is not surprising given how many lymph nodes I lost in 1999, but it would have been reassuring for her to grab one and have it come back clean. Not being able to see that path still leaves a little glimmer of concern, that the cancer spread to a mystery lymph node buried behind my chest wall or something, we just don’t know. Without a sentinel node, we just have to go with the study of the tissue they WERE able to remove. Luckily — that brings all good news. All breast tissue was benign. No sign of cancer anywhere. I am officially cancer free.

It’s wonderful news worthy of cracking the Veuve over. But I still feel emotional and raw and sore and beat up. Hard to celebrate through this feeling. My brain is ecstatic. My body is sullen gray. I know I’ll get there, to the point where every fiber of me is ready to celebrate and rejoice in coming out the other side. Today is not that day, fantastic cancer-free news notwithstanding. But it’ll come.